Evenings are tough for me.  I’ve always been a morning person, awakening most days  with high spirits and goals (I started writing this at 5:48am), but finding that as the day wears on, so does my energy level. From late afternoon to bedtime, I’m often battling a mixture of fatigue and sometimes even dread.    And as we parents know, this is never optimum, since the “second half” of our day begins after school.  So I’ve decided to try to change all that with a little help from the Black Eyed Peas…

I gotta feeling, woo hoo, that tonight’s gonna be a good night...

Welcome to my first blog entry, dedicated to my website’s subtitle: Setting Intentions. Creating Connections.  In my Mindful Parenting classes last week I talked about the importance of setting intentions as parents.  I have found that when we parent from a more intentional place, we are more likely to connect to those things that are most important to our families, and react less.   As the Kabat-Zinns write in their book, Everyday Blessings, The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, when we form an intention, and that intention, in turn, informs and guides our thoughts and actions, we are more likely to stay reminded about what’s important and to see the big picture. And my big picture intention is to work to stay connected with my children

That tonight’s gonna be a good  night...

I know that the afternoons and evenings are probably when my boys need me the most.  That after facing all that they do for 6-7  hours away from home, they need me to listen, support, respond–bacically to be present for whatever they need. So I’m setting an intention that evenings this week are going to be good.

That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night...

I’ve decided to channel my inner Fergie in all that I do this week, to see if setting that intention, allows me to have more space and energy for my boys.  So whether I’m circling around for a parking spot after school or navigating the Friday night crowds at the football field, I’m gonna inhale:

Here we come, here we go, we gotta rock, Easy come, easy go, now we on top

Whether I’m overseeing homework meltdowns or defrosting chicken #236, I’m gonna exhale:

Feel the shot, body rock, rock it, don’t stop, Round and round, up and down, around the clock!

I’m using the BEP’s wisdom on:

Monday , Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Saturday to Sunday…you know what we say, say, p-p-p-party every day.

So if any of you need some motivation in making the evenings a little less exhausting and a little more joyful, join me in giving it a try.  Intentional, mindful parenting moments and a little will.i.am—

Let’s burn the roof, and then we’ll do it again…woo-hoo!!!

Mindful Parenting Playlist Song#1 “I Gotta Feeling” Black Eyed Peas

I found  the articles to be insightful,  thought-provoking,  at times provocative, and pulled me from many different places–just the kind of “gray” feelings that I embrace and dread as a parent–and what mindfulness is all about!

The first article, forwarded to me by a friend, discusses parental roles in youth sports, and is entitled: What Makes A Nightmare Sports Parent — And What Makes A Great One (http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/more-family-fun/201202/what-makes-nightmare-sports-parent)

A passage that resonated for  me:

“Sports is one of few places in a child’s life where a parent can say, ‘This is your thing’…Athletics is one of the best ways for young people to take risks and deal with failure because the consequences aren’t fatal, they aren’t permanent. We’re talking about a game. So they usually don’t want or need a parent to rescue them when something goes wrong.”

The second article coincides with the release of  both the highly acclaimed documentary “Bully” in selected theaters this weekend, and a special on Cartoon Network about  standing up to bullying.  It’s  from the Wall Street Journal entitled: Stop Panicking About Bullies (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702303404704577311664105746848.html)

A couple thought-provoking, perhaps provocative, passages:

“Now that schools are peanut-free, latex-free and soda-free, parents, administrators and teachers have got to worry about something. Since most kids now have access to cable TV, the Internet, unlimited talk and texting, college and a world of opportunities that was unimaginable even 20 years ago, it seems that adults have responded by becoming ever more overprotective and thin-skinned.” 

“Our problem isn’t a world where bullies are allowed to run rampant; it’s a world where kids…are convinced that they are powerless victims.” 

Pretty “spicy” stuff, huh?

I invite you to take a read yourself, and please share your wisdom and comments!

Mindful Parenting Playlist Song#13 “The Logical Song” by Supertramp

“I love you Mama.”   “I love you too, and I’ll see you both in the sunlight.”

These parting words, exchanged between Kiki, my 10 year-old son and me, occur every night before I close the boys’ door and they go to sleep.

With love in the air this Valentines’ week, I thought there was no better time to reflect upon how we love our children and they love us back.  Sometimes–as in our bedtime ritual above–expressing love for our children and feeling their love towards us, is easy and straightforward.

But as we all know, there are other times when expressing and receiving love can be confusing, misunderstood, or even backfire.  Yet these moments of confusion, as in so many other areas in life,  can also be opportunities for gaining the most clarity in learning  about ourselves and our children.

I remember when my older son Conor was very young and I made a point, whenever he fell down or expressed big emotions, to always offer him words of validation like, “‘I know it’s hard, it hurts, or I’m right here, ” and to remain close to him, knowing that if I felt hurt or upset, this would be exactly what I would want.  Imagine my shock the day he was old enough to articulate his feelings and he yelled, “Mama, DON’T sit so close to me and DON’T say all those words like, I know this, I know that!” 

Say what?

Was he really telling me he wanted to be left alone and for me to be quiet?  How could all my comforting and loving words be irritating him?  I didn’t understand.

Then I read The Five Love Languages of Children by Dr. Gary Chapman, and everything began to make sense.  In his book, Dr. Chapman describes how each of us feels and gives love in specific ways—basically that we each have our own “love language”.  These five languages include: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.

The basic premise of Dr. Chapman’s work is that loving our children isn’t always enough. Learning to speak their love language communicates our love in ways they’ll understand right from the start.  By understanding our own love language and that of our children’s (and partner’s too) we can better connect to each other and enhance our relationships.   (To learn more about each language and take a quick assessment, go to:  http://www.5lovelanguages.com/).

After reading about the love languages, I realized that both Kiki and I are “Words of Affirmation” people who feel loved with validation and support. So naturally I assumed this was the best way to also show love to Conor when he was hurting.

But after observing how Conor expresses love, and listening to his most common requests, (both suggestions from Dr. Chapman) I realized that “Acts of Service”–like cooking breakfast for me or rubbing my head when I have a headache–was his primary love language.

In fact to this day, I’ve noticed that Conor doesn’t like when I give him too much focused attention, or talk too much about his feelings or accomplishments (I also learned the same was true for my husband, which explained a lot of things)!

I now know that when Conor is hurt or upset, he would much more appreciate if I made a treat for him, or help him with a chore, than give him validating words and comfort about his frustration.

So this year, in addition to buying the candy hearts and Star Wars Valentines for the class, I invite you to take a few moments to reflect upon the love languages that you and your family  speak.  It may open another door of connection and closeness that could be sweeter to your life than even a Godiva Dark Chocolate Truffle (well, pretty close, anyway)!

Mindful Parenting Playlist Song#12 “Jus the Way You Are” by Billy Joel

“Faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase”  -Martin Luther King Jr.

Whenever I read Dr. King’s poignant quote, I think about the parenting staircase we are all climbing.  Whether confidently or cautiously, we scale each successive step without complete certainty of where it’s leading us next.

The ascent begins when we first learn we’re becoming parents.  As we stand at the foot of that  staircase, most of us probably only see the first couple steps, with the hope of having a healthy pregnancy and delivery.  These are followed, much too quickly, by the steps of a new baby, their first steps, preschool and elementary school, adolescence, etc., etc.  Every step may have it’s uncertainties and creaks, yet each also seems to build upon the last.  Our family will face several steps of uncertainty this fall, when our son enters high school.  Hormones, driving, dating, college prep…Have faith, have faith.

Yet successfully navigating this parenting journey involves more than just faith, as most of us know.  It also requires a vision.  In Dr. King’s life,  he had both the faith in the importance of his cause and a clarity of vision, including where he wanted to take us as a nation, and the powerful tools of nonviolence he would utilize to achieve this.

Yet, how many of us who made sure to  have a birth plan in the hospital, also have a family vision?  A vision to assess where our family is right now, where we want to go, and what specific steps we can take to get there?

I recently read that one approach to implementing a vision, is to see all things as created twice.  First as a mental creation and then as a physical creation (just like a building follows its blueprints).  The goal is to to approach our vision clearly, knowing where we want to go and how we’re going to get there.  If we don’t visualize what we want, then we risk other people and external circumstances influencing our lives instead.

As  my boys get older, I am increasingly aware of the outsize influence other people and external circumstances can have, especially if I don’t stay clear on what is most important, which is to stay connected.  So what is my mental creation of  this goal?  Basically it’s the vision (and hope) that when they are adults, my boys will look at Mom as someone they’ll want to spend time with, not purely out of obligation, but because they genuinely want to.  And what can I physically create now in our relationship that can hopefully move us towards this vision?  I’m working to fit in more positive activities and experiences we can share, more interactive discussion time (with less nagging) and continually striving to be their emotional “soft landing.”

Overall, I  want them to always know our home will be a safe harbor from all that we face outside. It’s not easy, especially with the competing forces of busy schedules, inevitable testing of boundaries and their striving towards independence.  Still, having this vision of connection helps give me clarity and stay grounded, particularly during moments of uncertainty.

So as we celebrate Dr, King this week, and watch his powerful I Have a Dream speech with our families, let us all, wherever we are on that parenting staircase, listen closely to his eloquence and unwavering faith and vision, both for our nation, and for his four little children, whom he aspired would one day, “not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

May his words and dreams be a testament to the powers of faith and vision for us all.

Happy New Year.

Mindful Parenting Playlist Song#11 “Pride (In the Name of Love)” by U2

Steve Jobs famous commencement speech at Stanford in 2005

With the sad death of Steve Jobs earlier this month, and release of his biography last week, a number of articles have been written that give both depth and detail to his groundbreaking career as well as to the ups and downs of his professional and personal life.  Yet what has most resonated for me, has been the steadfast philosophy and vision that guided him throughout his amazing career.  This philosophy and it’s two simple, yet powerful principles, can serve as great reminders, not just for businesses, but for parents as well.

His first principle was to keep the emphasis on simplicity and focus–two components clearly reflected within his products–from their ease of use to their simple and elegant design.  And yet this idea of simplicity and focus seems to run counter to so much of what we are told and come to believe as parents.  Think of the sheer volume of advice and information we get from the internet, parenting books, Super Nanny, school guidance conselors, fellow parents, even well-meaning family members–on ALL the things we should or shouldn’t be doing in order for our children to be (fill in the word of your choice here): successful, happy, confident, competent, Ivy League material, an athletic star, other.

And simpler doesn’t always mean easier.  As Jobs once said, “Simple can be harder than complex: You have to work hard to get your thinking clean to make it simple”.  How true this is for parenting as well!  Because to really determine and break down our family goals or mission into a few simple concepts or phrases, not to mention to keep the focus on those goals, is hard–much harder, many times than following the collective parenting herd of signing up for as many enrichment classes, sports programs and individualized, elite training sessions as possible , just to be sure we cover all our bases.

Yet, just like Jobs’ products, keeping a simpler focus on what is most valuable and important to our family, will more likely lead to the goals we strive for than doing all that extra stuff would.  If our goal for example, is to cultivate connection and simpicity in our children, wouldn’t keeping focused on regular and shared family mealtimes and conversation be more likely to teach our children to value those attributes than an overscheduled, overstructured, time pressed schedule would?

Which leads to his second, equally important guiding principle of listening to and following your own inner voice. “Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition,” he reminded us.  “They somehow already know what you truly want to become.”  And one look at Apple products tell us they embody the very esssence of his trust in intuitive thinking.

For me personally, a self-described “techno-phobe” who neither likes nor really understands computers and the world of technology, the decision to become an Apple exclusive user is a testament to his goal of providing intuitive and simple products that even toddlers (like me) can undestand.  Whether it was the design of the products or the ease of use, the goal seems to be to trust the user’s inherent wisdom and intuitition.

So what if we parents had that same courage to trust our inherent wisdom and intuition when it comes to decisions we think are best for our families–even in the face of opposing and often contradictory information we get from the sources mentioned above?  And what if we sent a similar message to our children; that we trust their intuitiion, and want to help and support them to follow and listen to their inner voice as to the best direction their lives should take (even if that direction sometimes differs from where we think their lives should go)?  As he once told Businessweek, his philosophy, however difficult is, “…worth it in the end because once you get there, you can move mountains.”  Imagine the “mountains” that we and our children can move, if we trust and are guided by that intuition and wisdom within ourselves?

Does this mean we won’t get it wrong sometimes? Of course we will.  Certainly many, many times. And not unlike Steve Jobs.   In fact, reading about his imperfections and failures, of all the times he made mistakes or “got it wrong” felt encouraging and empowering.  Because in mistakes and mishaps is where we often find clarity.  And Steve Jobs’ numerous mistakes made his perserverence, resurgence and success all the more admirable, because it seemed that through it all, his focus, vision and confidence in his inner voice remained.

So next time we are texting with ease on our iPhone or downloading the entire Beatles White album on our iTouch, let’s take a moment to thank Steve Jobs for the revolution that his groundbreaking vision created, not just on how we access and use information, but  on how his philosophy can remind us as parents on what is most important, as we strive to create the best life possible for our families.

As he once said, “We’re here to put a dent in the universe.”  Sounds a lot like raising children to me!

Mindful Parenting Playlist Song#10 “Revolution 1” by the Beatles

So in the spirit of taking stock, I’ve decided to put together another set of piles for the new school year. I’m calling them our family vision piles, based on the term coined by parent educators, Janis Keyser and Laura Davis. A family vision, they explain, is seeing the big picture of where you are going as a family, what values you want to teach and model, and determining what is most important to you. Basically, by establishing a family vision, we are setting the intentions we want for our family for the year.

So here’s what my piles look like so far:

Discard Pile:

Like the stained uniform shirts, and ripped 3 ring binders, what do I want to discard this year when it comes to our family?

The sound and quality of my voice during times of stress.  This carping, droning, (dare I say nagging?) voice, usually heard in the morning rush or frenzied afternoons of homework and practices, tends to repeat itself in 5-10 second intervals, with phrases such as, “come on,” “hurry up,” “move faster,” and “don’t forget…!”   In addition to being both annoying and agitating to everyone involved, this voice and it’s shrill requests seem to become increasingly futile as time progresses.

The myth of being a perfect supermom. I’m also going to try and discard the unrealistic expectations I have that I can control everything or do it all.  And in case I needed further motivation, a recent study, cited in the Wall Street Journal under the heading, Why Supermoms are Sad, confirmed that moms who expect that a work/life balance can be achieved easily, are more unhappy that those moms who accept that they can’t do everything, and therefore trade-offs will have to be made (http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2011/08/30/why-supermoms-are-sad/).

The blame, regret and guilt I put on myself, my family, and the world in general, when life gets stressful.  Like the supermom myth above, I will work to discard these negative feelings that seem to crop up when I am most stressed, and replace them with compassion, connection, and forgiveness, remembering that we all are generally doing the best we can.

Add Pile:

Next, what do I want to add to our family, along with the shiny new lunchboxes and shin guards this year?

More interactive communication. I will make a conscious effort to add more interactive conversations with my boys and husband each week, with sentences beginning with, “What do you think of…,” “How was your…,” and  “What are you feelings about…,” (as opposed to that nagging, directive voice I hope to discard above).  My goal is to stay as connected with them as possible, even when life gets hectic.

A weekly electronics-free time zone. This idea came to me one desperate summer afternoon in the midst of a computer game/ tv show/ web surfing binge our entire family was on.  As I noticed our levels of agitation increasing with each successive sound and click coming from the machines. I desperately ordered a complete shutdown of devices and an  “electronics-free” hour.  Wow.  After the initial caffeine-like withdrawal symptoms, a peace and calm descended upon our household that I hadn’t seen in a long time.  I actually saw books cracked open, legos built, and conversations initiated!

More time and flexibilty during rush periods. Finally, in place of that supermom mindset, I will work to add more time to prepare and organize during rush hours, as well as the flexibility and ability to let go when all doesn’t go smoothly (remembering that when my sons forget their water bottles or backpacks, the world and my competence has not suddenly come to an end)!

 Keep Pile:

And finally, like the tried and true backpack my 10 year-old is using for his third consecutive year, what are the things I want to keep and continue in our family?

Those elements and activities that reflect our shared values of laughing together, slowing down when we can, nurturing ourselves and each other, and connecting in general.

Some, but not all, of the items in this pile will include:

• Family mealtimes at least 2-3 times every week (hopefully more)
• Unstructured family time, with no other commitment except hanging out
• Family movie nights with popcorn, whenever time permits
• Maintaining a sense of humor
• Continuing those activities we enjoy on our own, and together, that help us stay refueled and healthy
• Remembering an attitude of gratitude
• Breathing in, breathing out
• Letting go
• Did I mention a sense of humor?

So that’s where I’m starting this year.  Although I’m sure there will be plenty of bumps and setbacks along the way, I’m hoping that keeping my family vision in mind, will help me make the best decisions I can, in the midst of the action-packed and frenzied moments ahead.  I invite you to give it a try, and share what you come up with. Here’s to a happy, reflective, and intentional school year!

Mindful Parenting Playlist Song#9 “ABC” by the Jackson 5

We parents sure go to great lengths to keep our kids happy, don’t we?  A web search I did the other day on “raising happy children” came up with 39,300,000 results, so it must be important to us.  In fact, a favorite exercise in my classes is to have parents visualize their children at age 18 and list the top adjectives they hope will describe them as adults.  In the 12 years I’ve been doing this, I think “happy” has always been one of the top words on the list.   And why not?  I think most of us want our children to be happy, both now and in the future.  But does striving to keep our children happy truly translate into creating happy adults?

Maybe not.   I recently read a very thought provoking article entitled, How to Land your Kid in Therapy.  Why the obsession with our kids’ happiness may be dooming them to unhappy adulthoods ( http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/07/how-to-land-your-kid-in-therapy/8555/).  The article explores the possible consequences of protecting our children from unhappiness, and how it may affect and diminish their happiness as adults.  It’s written by Lori Gottlieb, a pychotherapist and mother, who reports that she and her colleagues are seeing more and more patients in their 20‘s and 30‘s who seem to come from loving and stable families, yet suffer from depression, anxiety, and a general sense of emptiness.

“Many parents will do anything to avoid having their kids experience even mild discomfort, anxiety, or disappointment…with the result that when, as adults, they experience the normal frustrations of life, they think something must be terribly wrong,” explains Paul Bohn, a psychiatrist at UCLA.  The article discusses how these protections are preventing our children from developing, what Dan Kindlon, a child psychologist and lecturer at Harvard, calls “psychological immunity.”  Just like our body’s immune system needs to be exposed to pathogens to know how to respond to an attack…”kids also need exposure to discomfort, failure, and struggle….and yet parents often have this instantaneous reaction to unpleasantness, which is ‘I can fix this.”

I can definitely recount many of my “fix-it” moments as a parent, yet one stands out for the lesson it taught me.  When Conor was about 8 years-old, we were driving to his soccer game and he began complaining that he didn’t get as much playing time as other boys on the team.  Just as I was about to respond in my most empathetic way (and was strategizing on the conversation I was going to have with the coach to “fix” the situation) I heard my husband tell him, “You don’t play that much because you’re not as good as they are.” The silence from the back seat was almost as intense as the sinking feeling in my stomach.  “Poor Conor,” I thought.  “How is that hurtful comment going to make him feel?  Angry? Hurt?  Or maybe even (gulp)…UNHAPPY?”  But I held my tongue, because I knew deep down that my husband was right.  It may have been upsetting, but it was a fact.  And yes, that was a tough season for him and me, as I watched him struggle through not playing much, getting frustrated, and and often wanting to quit.  But he also survived.  In fact, I think he more than survived.  That season gave him a little perspective, a little humillity, and definitely helped us both develop more confidence in his ability to face a struggle and come out standing (not to mention motivating him to practice his soccer skills before the next season)!  As Wendy Mogel, psychotherapist and author, implored in the article, “Please let them be devastated at age 6 and not have their first devastation be in college…let them be devastated many times on the soccer field!”

Yet I think about the countless ways we parents and the institutions we’re associated with, strive to “fix” things for our children in order to keep them happy.  These include the infant and toddler contraptions with non-stop stimulation, the contrived and controlled playdates that have replaced spontaneous neighborhood play, the over the top birthday parties starting in preschool, the loss of school P.E. games that seem too violent, and the trophies and awards given to everyone, so no one ever feels hurt or left out.  “Nowadays, it’s not enough to be happy—if you can be even happier,” Gottlieb notes as she observes this phenomenon as being truly unique to our generation. “The American Dream and the pursuit of happiness have morphed from a quest for general contentment to the idea that you must be happy at all times and in every way.”

I recently asked my dad, a very positive and happy person who has definitely seen his share of struggles, how he viewed happiness in terms of raising my brother, sister and I.   He and my mom’s goals as parents, he said simply, were to raise responsible and successful individuals.  He talked about the importance they placed on programmed deprivation, basically not giving us everything we wanted all the time, and making sure we never had the feeling of being entitled .  Happiness was never the goal he said, but hopefully a nice outcome from building up our own inner satisfaction and self-esteem.  He actually likened it to sleep.  If we set the foundations to get rest, internally and externally, than sleep will hopefully be the outcome.  The same could be said for happiness.    His viewpoint was reinforced in the article. “Happiness as a byproduct of living your life is a great thing,” said Barry Schwartz, a professor of social theory. “But happiness as a goal is a recipe for disaster.”

So as the dog days of August settle upon us, let’s take some of this to heart, when hearing some of the less than “happy” feelings coming from our dear offsprings– be it their struggle with boredom from ALL that free time on their hands, disappointment at the summer camp they hate to attend, or losing out to their siblings for prime car seat territory during the long family road trip. Maybe by allowing them to experience these small struggles now, we are building up their psychological immunity to face and conquer the bigger and inevitable challenges that lay down the road. And feel the happier for it!

Mindful Parenting Playlist Song#8 “Shiny Happy People” by R.E.M.

July is birthday month for my boys.  Conor, the Leo, begins his second year of teenagerhood, while Kiki, the Cancer, enters the world of double digits for the first time.  Despite the unbelievable speed of these developments, many things about their birthdays have  remained constant throughout the years: the candles blown out on Krispy Kremes instead of cakes, the birthday morning treasure hunt for presents, and their tireless requests to hear stories about the day they came into the world.

Another constant is how their birthdays always have the power of leading me to reflect upon where I am as a parent, where my children are, and how we are connecting together. Beginning with those earliest days and months of their lives when they were so dependent on me for most of their needs, and shifting with each successive year, I am continually amazed by this “connection” dance of dependence, independence, and detachment.

So what is healthy connection?  On one hand, the more connected I feel to my boys, the more I am able to feel empathetic to their perspective, and what they face in the world.  When I am in tune, it’s so much easier to see my ten year-old’s testiness and impatience in relation to the amount of homework, fatigue, or other pressures he faces at various times in his life.  To see that it’s not that different from when he was young and missed his morning nap, or accompanied me on too many errands and inevitably a meltdown ensued.  In each circumstance, he is conveying his need for space, refueling, or rest.

Feeling connected, also helps me understand that my teenager’s constant testing of what he can and cannot do on his own, is his way of researching the push and pull of independence and security.  It reminds me of when he was first able to walk away from me at the park as a toddler.  He loved going far away but often looked back, sometimes to make sure I was where he left me, other times to see if I would come and set a limit on the path he chose.  And even though he doesn’t always like my limits, when I feel connected, I see that at each stage in his life he has the same need for Mom, his “safe harbor” to be there for him, as he explores the world.

Yet, the other side of connectedness is not being so connected that we follow our children to every emotional place they go, and everything they experience becomes our experience.  This is especially true, as we all know, when it comes to their struggles, heartaches and fears.   Practically, this means not letting our egos allow us to take all the credit or blame for their choices, behaviors or achievements, no matter how tempting.  When my boys experience success or challenge, be it athletically, academically or socially, it’s so difficult not to feel and experience the same joy or pain they do.  Yet, when I am connected, I know that in order to determine the appropriate action or response to these situations, I must remain a little detached–to see these moments as ultimately their journey (not mine), where once again I remain their safe harbor, if and when they need me.

This detachment also includes knowing what information we need to know about our children and respecting there are things we never need to know.  Especially now with the double digits and teens upon me, I see this happening more and more.  How much of my boys’ experiences, interactions and feelings do they need to share with me?  How much did I want to share with my parents when I was their age?  As the Kabat-Zinns observe in their book,  Everyday Blessings, The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, “The quality and warmth of our connections with our children will be proportional to how much we continue to do our own inner work, and keep a sense of appropriate boundaries…according the same freedom and respect to our children as they transition every year from total dependency… to independent and interdependent adults.”

Finally, I want to end this birthday reflection with a poem I revisit often, given to me as a new mother by my parents, that speaks so beautifully to this ever shifting, constantly challenging, yet powerful journey of connection.  Happy Birthday my boys!

On Children by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Mindful Parenting Playlist Song#7 “Sweet Child of Mine” by Guns and Roses

My wonderful mom

With Mother’s Day coming this Sunday, I wanted to remind all the incredible moms out there of the importance of nurturing ourselves as we take care of our children and families.  And I’m talking about more than the once a year mimosa brunch or bubble bath on Mother’s Day afternoon.  I mean truly nurturing ourselves, with the same care and attention that we give our children and other loved ones on a daily basis!

It’s so hard not to sometimes feel selfish or guilty about putting ourselves first.  Yet, what if I told you that taking care of yourself can actually be one of the most unselfish things you can do for your children?  Start by asking yourself, “When I am physically, emotionally or mentally depleted, am I really giving my best to my children?” If your answer is like mine, you know those low moments are often the times when we cringingly give our children our worst (a mom in my class poignantly related it to the instructions we get on an airplane to put our oxygen masks on first, before deploying our children’s–we can’t help them, if we can’t breathe ourselves)!  So taking care of ourselves before we get to that point can help us give our children what they truly deserve and need from us.

Self-care also models healthy emotional and physical habits for our children.  Magda Gerber, whose RIE philosophy is built upon the foundation of respecting children and their authentic needs, says that one of the best ways to show our children we respect them is to model self-respect.  This concept of self-respect resonated for me and my intention of teaching my children to lead healthy lives. Whenever I neglect myself, what are the messages I am sending my boys? To run themselves into the ground and wait until they get physically ill before they take care of themselves?  By setting healthy boundaries and being compassionate and caring to myself, I hope to model healthy ways for my children to learn to care for and listen to their own needs. Overall, I want them to see that refueling and self-nurturing are just as critical to a healthy balanced lifestyle as diet and exercise are.

So how do we accomplish this in our busy lives? Kathy Peel, a life coach who has written numerous books about balancing busy families, suggests that we start by compiling a list of the things that both exhaust and refuel us during the day–basically to learn what tasks are sapping away the most energy and what activities can restore it. What is so practical about this exercise is that instead of focusing on the special things that may happen once in a while (like Mother’s Day or a spa weekend) it urges us to pinpoint the small things that we can do everyday to help us refuel. The next step is to work to minimize or get support for the tasks on the “exhausting” side, while trying to ensure we make time for the tasks on the “refueling” side.

When I made my list when my boys were younger, the activity that most exhausted me was giving them their baths in the evening (if you read my Black Eyed Peas post, you’ll understand why)! Once I realized this, I worked to minimize my exhaustion by sometimes giving them baths earlier in the day when I had more energy and patience, having my husband, who really enjoyed giving baths take on this task, and eventually when the boys got older, teaching them how to take their own baths and showers.

The main activities that came up on the refueling side were spending a few minutes every morning reading my newspaper while drinking a cup of tea and reading a little before I went to bed. Nothing fancy or glamorous, yet I realized how much these small activities set a calming tone at the beginning of the day, and helped me wind down in the evening. I have been amazed how much they make a difference to the quality of my energy and stress levels during the day.  I also feel my intention validated whenever I hear the boys say, “Oh Mom’s having her down time, we can’t bother her.”   It tells me they are learning to value the importance of Mom’s, and their own, self-care.

Finally, nurturing ourselves can often bring us clarity about our children that may otherwise not happen. In yoga, one of the primary focuses for doing the poses is to clear the mind in order to see things as they truly are. I have found that when I am refueled and my mind is clear, I am often able to find solutions or gain insight to the most confusing or stressful parenting dilemmas. So nurturing ourselves also has the potential of helping us learn about, and guide our children in new and innovative ways.

Speaking of nurturing, I wanted to close with a Mother’s Day message of love and gratitude to my incredible Mom, who has helped teach me so much about compassion, self-love and nurturing.  Thanks Mom–I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your modeling of what a wise, strong and compassionate Mom looks like.  I love you.

So here’s a toast to moms everywhere, and to setting the intention of mindful, compassionate moments of self nurturing everyday.  Happy, Happy Mother’s Day, my friends!

Mindful Parenting Playlist Song#4 “Put Your Records On,” by Corinne Bailey Rae

Every year around Christmas time, my best friends and our families gather at our house for a holiday dinner, singing and celebration.  One of the highlights for the kids is their annual gift exchange of $10 or less.  As the kiddos wait expectantly to share and open their nerf footballs, bath gels and  iTunes gift cards, they can also plan on hearing what I call the Wisdom of Mick in the background, as he and the Stones remind them, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want!”

No you can’t.  Not when it comes to Christmas presents and certainly NOT, as we all know, when it comes to parenting!  It’s a song I love playing, not just for our kids at Christmas, but also in my Mindful Parenting classes when we talk about Acceptance.

There’s a wonderful story  I like to share from the book, Golden Rules, by Wayne Dosick.  It’s about a woman who plants a garden that blooms beautiful flowers in the spring but also blooms an abundance of dandelion weeds.  No matter how hard she tries, the woman can’t get rid of those weeds.  Finally she hears about a Zen Master who can help her with her problem.  He comes to her garden, looks around, and tells her, that the best way for her to solve the problem of the dandelion weeds, is for her to learn to like dandelion weeds!

Acceptance.  That inner orientation which acknowledges that things are the way they are, whether we want them to be or not.  How often have we been in those moments–standing knee deep and stuck in the dandelion weeds of parenting?  Maybe it’s the weeds of our spirited child’s challenging temperament (intense, persistent, active, or sensitive)?  Maybe it’s the dandelion weeds of challenging situations (10 minutes late to practice with crazy traffic?  Or a melting down child with three people ahead of us in the Target checkout)?  Maybe it’s feeling stuck in the weeds of the past, whether it’s our own imperfect childhoods, or last night, when we hurled hurtful words at our child when we were tired?

Acceptance.  Knowing that we can’t always get what we want.  But as parents, it’s  important to remember that acceptance is NOT the same as resignation or passivity. That just because we accept something, doesn’t mean we are powerless. And here’s where the Wisdom of Mick comes in again, going beyond that first line of the song, to the just as important second line: “But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need!”

So accepting the weeds of my spirited child…why do I need that?  Because by striving to accept rather than resist my child’s true nature, I can help him channel his spiritedness into ways to optimize his success, while also seeing what accepting him, teaches me about myself, and MY true nature.   Acceptance also helps me become a more mindful parent by reminding me that I’d better have real clarity about the “why” behind the  boundaries and decisions I make, as they will undoubtedly be questioned and researched by my child.

And what do I need from life’s challenging moments?  It’s in situations like these, I can practice letting go and accepting that I can’t and don’t control everything, especially when it’s difficult.  These situations also give me the opportunity to reflect upon our daily schedule and demands and how they are influencing our family.  Maybe those traffic jams and meltdowns can help me see the need to become better organized or downsize/eliminate some of the things we are choosing to do?

Finally, acceptance of my past, whether 30 minutes ago or 30 years ago, helps me to see what I need to do for the future–how to learn from my mistakes, rewrite the scripts and internal dialogues going on in my head, take better care of myself when I’m tired, and model the importance and power of apologizing to my children when I do or say something I regret.

So if like me,  you need a little clarity  and guidance while wading through the springtime gardens of beautiful flowers and tenacious weeds blooming inside and outside our homes, I invite you to join me in this practice of Acceptance…with hands upturned and the Wisdom of Mick.

Mindful Parenting Playlist Song#3 “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” The Rolling Stones